seperate_smile

"guy code?"

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:21:35 GMT

My girl friend and I are going through similiar situations right now (friends with benefits)... over the weekend we got to talking and I mentioned my guy giving me mixed signals. She said her guy is guilty of doing the exact same thing.

Guy gets jealous when I/she talks to another guy, BUT yet our men try and hook us up with their friends or dudes they know. WHY DO THEY DO THIS?

And in my case, 98% of the time its a guy he knows I won't even be interested in. What gives?

With that said, is it wise to go on a date this week, in the hopes of making him realize:
+ I can date if I choose to do so,
+ that I don't need his help even if that was the case,
+ and that I'm not choosing him because I can't find someone else.

To be, or not to be...

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 21:42:45 GMT

I thought I posted this 3 weeks ago, but apparently it was saved as a draft.... oof...

September 11, 2009:

Ha. Either I'm clairvoyant, or he's predictable.

I picked him up from work last night at 11:30pm, and we went and hung out with some friends for the remainder of the night. We almost passed out watching a movie at our friend's place but then I realized it's 4am and time to head home. We get to his driveway (which is a block from my house, which is also why I use the Dawson's Creek comparison) and smoke and talk til 5am.
As he got out of my car he asked me to carry his mail in for him, which he was about to forget in the car until I reminded him. He was perfectly capable of taking it in himself. He's not lazy, just looking for an excuse to ask me to come inside at 5am.
Obviously, he wanted me to stay...Obviously, 48 hours later was enough to realize maybe he doesn't want to "quit" after all.

I wanted to stay, oh so badly, but I told him that he should probably just go inside and go to bed, and to call me tomorrow. Which he did. And we had another good day, just hanging out.

Obviously, I'm a fool.

No wonder he gives me mixed signals.... I give him just as many confusing ones.

I don't think either one of us knows how to act. Every day is different. For him, for me, for us.

As happy as I am with the situation we've built, I have these days where I feel like I avoid it....... "to be, or not to be?"

Ironic?

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 07:19:32 GMT

I know I always say it and never seem to follow through but this time I mean it...

I am gonna post an update soon.

It's been far too long, and I could use an outlet. The people who lend me their ears in my day to day life seem to suck at providing ears that actually work. I swear, these people don't listen. Or, they really are as selffish as I fear they might be.

Actually, I take back that first sentence, it's not a matter of wanting to update, its a matter of I, mentally/emotionally should update. Need to update. Surprisingly, LJ is like free therapy. So, a lengthy update is in order and will be posted this week. I'm not alone much these days and its hard to post my inner thoughts when I've got friends, family and kids running around all the time.......trust me, we'll get to what I've dubbed as my "addiction to socializing" later on...

(Btw, I'd like to point out the coincidence of the fact that the last time I was going to update was EXACTLY a year ago. Hmmm......)

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 21:46:04 GMT

So much to say and who knows where to start.... but I've got some things I need to get out of my head. And good ole LJ is here for me to do that and hopefully I can get some feedback. I've got to get ready for work but when I get back, I'm going on a venting overload so be prepared.

To get things started I'll spit this out now...............

+ I like someone.

+ a lot

+ He's a good friend of mine. Has been for about 5 years.

+ And his name isn't Kevin lol

More later...

In this Midnight hour...

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 08:27:00 GMT

I don't know where I am at in my life.

I'm broke.
I'm jobless.
I'm technically homeless.
I'm a mom.
My 24th birthday is in less then 6 weeks.

I feel stuck.
I feel stupid.
I feel alone.
I feel...sad.

I don't even know where to start. I got on here in hopes that writing would help me releave some of my stresses and tension but I don't know if I'm hitting a writer's block or if it's every thought and emotion is hitting the front of my brain that I don't know where to start...

Maybe one thing at a time? An entry a day to keep a therapist away? (yes I've been considering getting a therapist).

I'm gonna start with the miscarriage first. Pretty much because I just finished watching Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant and now that stupid broad and Brady Bunch dude are talking about babies. Babies, Babies, Babies. They're every where. And if its not babies, it's cute little pregnant women. I still see it as everything happens for a reason and whatever that reason is that nature, God, fate or Krama ended the pregnancy....but....I'm still very heartbroken about it. When ever I see a dad and a baby together I think of Kevin and what could have been our child. The wonderful, beautiful moments that I thought I'd see and now I won't ever....... The "secrets" and rumors I continue to hear within our social circle. Who knows if Kevin started them or if they're just what bits and pieces of truth morphed into bullshit. 1) I lost the baby because I had an eating disorder. 2) I got an abortion behind Kevin's back. How vicious. How fucking rude. I understand people making assumptions, I'm guilty of making my own about my own friends, but you neeeever voice them because then those assumptions become rumors and rumors hurt people. Knowing my own body (or a higher power of some sort) rejected the baby hurts me, eats at me. The guilt that comes with that knowing my body took that from Kevin...one thing he admitted to me (and others) was as scared as he was, he was looking forward to it. He had buckled up for the emotional rollarcoaster of parenthood but I was basically the one who told him he couldn't ride it.

I know it's not my fault but at the same time, I can't help but feel like it is. No one else was carrying the baby. I was. Maybe things would be different if I was eating better before I found out I was pregnant (I dabbled in my old eating disorder ways probably about 2 months before I found out I was pregnant, so maybe about a month of the pregnancy I wasn't eating that great, but I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant...)? Maybe if I didn't get so emotional when Kevin and I broke up? Maybe if I quit smoking instead of cut back? Maybe if I didn't overwork myself at work? Maybe this maybe that...I'll never know and no one will ever have the answer.

The day of my first prenatal appointment, the day I found out the baby had stopped developing and had no heartbeat, I wrote in my (handwritten) journal. I wrote that if it was a girl I wanted to name her Carly...4, maybe 5 nights later Kevin and I were laying in bed and he told me, "by the way, I think Carly is a beautiful name." He had read my journal.

And with that I sign off, its a segway for tomorrow's entry...

translation pleeeease?

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 09:39:27 GMT

Well, I can't sleep...I WAS, but then I got a TEXT message from someone (Coooonor lol) Now I'm awake cause I can't stop this evening's text convo with Kevin from running through my head and trying to figure out what exactly it means.

Convo goes as follows:

Kev: What u doin?
Me: I'm hangin out with Jenna. What are you doin?
Kev: Call me when ur done. How long?
Me: 20, 30 more minutes. Still want me to call?
Kev: If you want to
Kev (20 mins later): Nevermind. Sorry to bug u
Me: No worries. You ok?
Kev: No
I called him and it went to voicemail
Me: You can't tell me you're not ok then not answer ur phone
Kev: I didn't mean to hang up and u didn't answer when I called back. Sorry.
Me: I don't have any missed calls. Wanna try calling again?
Kev: No, its too much
I called again. And again, voicemail. So I left him a message saying I hope he's ok and that if he needs anything I hope he knows he can call me. I'm always here for him. Always have been, always will be.
Me: :( Well, goodnight Kev...
Kev: I turned to you when I shouldn't have. Truth be told, you fucked me over pretty good. I should not be looking for any kind of happiness with you. Sorry for bringing you back in.
Me: :( I didn't mean to fuck you over in any way, shape or form. I don't know what I can do to make you think differently. I'm sorry beyond words can express. I never meant to hurt you or make you doubt me. You have no idea the guilt I carry knowing I caused you to feel the way you do.
Kev: Well you don't show it at all
Me: How am I supposed to?
Kev: I don't care anymore. Get ur stuff out of my house and pay me back when you can.
Me: If you don't care, then why bring it up? If you don't care, why are you trying so hard to hate me?

At that point he called and said he's really frustrated and said sorry he's going to take it out on me....then proceeded to tell me that I need me to move my stuff from his driveway. Move what I can with my van and get a truck over there this weekend to move the rest. I told him I would and said alright? He said, alright. And I said bye. And hung up. The whole conversation was so calm, I felt like we were talking in slow motion.

Can someone translate man speak for me cause all I can do is be a girl and read between the lines. And to ME it sounds like he's missing me and is using this excuse of moving my stuff to be mad at me at me. Especially sense its still sitting there and is a constant reminder of what was us and where we ended up. But then again, he's intent on keeping my ping pong table, dresser, tv stand and recliner...he booted out my couch and my chairs that were in the living room that no longer fit thanks to the ginormous sectional that sits in the living room (cause he got a bigger one when Mike and Amy moved in). In addition to some other random crap he had no use for...so wouldn't the stuff he wants to keep be a live in reminder?? Ugh, I dunno. I just feel like he tries to tell me stuff but he beats around the bush so badly the message is never clear. And when I try and get it to be clear he backs off from talking to me all together. aandkjsadnksajdbnashfbahsfb

Truth be Told

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 10:17:42 GMT

I'm not sure if the meeting with Kevin is what has me thinking about him more then I thought I would or if its the fact that he hasn't called...which still makes me think that the encounter meant more to me then I thought it would.

I keep waiting for a phone call or text about when our next rendezvous will be but I haven't received anything. I'm sure he's doing the same as me though...thinking, waiting, wishing, wondering...I know I am not going to be the first to make the next move, so I'm waiting on him. He's probably thinking the exact same thing. Only problem with that is, he'll cave before I do. I'm too stuburn.

But I am realizing that maybe I am not as over him as I thought I was before Sunday night. Scratch that, Saturday night. This is how it all started and what really happened Sunday night...

Saturday night, I am getting ready to head out with Shane to a birthday party and noticed I had a missed call from "Douche Bag" (Kevin) at about 10:30, up until 12:30am I ignored him and the missed call than finally sent him a text saying, I noticed you called, whats up? Then all I get back is "fuck you." I replied with, "if thats all you wanted to say, then you should have left a voicemessage so you didn't waste a text." He then told me I was dirt under his slipper. In response to that, I told him "aww Kevin, no need to get all sweet on me." That shut him up for a couple hours. About 2am we start texting again.
Him: what are you doin?
Me: at a party. what are you doing?
Him: looking to party.
Me: Well, you don't want to go where I am.
Him: Whys that?
Me: Cause I'm on a date at Jamie's bday party, where ur girl Sara is shooting me daggers with her eyes. (Sara is his friend who he started to crush on just before or after we broke up, who flirted with him but didn't want to take things past friendship. Jamie, is her ex boyfriend/current boyfriend/fuck buddy/future husband whatever)
Him: She's not my girl. Call me tomorrow.
Me: Why? Cause you're missing the one girl who can make you weak in the knees?
Him: Probably.
Him again: When you coming home?
Me: Whats it to you?
Him: Why the hostility? (he stole my word...I told him once, its a shame he's starting his new years out with so much hostility)
Him again: You should call me when you get home
Me: I will if my date falls through.
...texts ended there and I didn't call him...

Next morning (Sunday), I get a text from Kevin saying, sorry for talking to you last night. I told him don't be, it made me laugh for the most part and it was fun to bullshit with him. All day long we texted back and forth. At one point he told me he wanted me. We agreed to meet up that night at 9:30pm. I didn't even start getting ready until then cause I didn't want to seem like I was eager. 10pm I get a text saying where are you? lol

Like I said before, first thing that happens is I got a bear hug. We went to his room, talked for like 2 minutes and had sex. Beautiful, sweet, passionate sex. It was probably a mistake and will create more issues then either of us want. But we both wanted it, needed it and the reprocussions will (hopefully) be worth it. We snuggled and kissed and held eachother during and after the romp. Thats when the silent words were spoken. The head nodding... There was one moment when I was running my hand down his cheek and he told me to stop. I pulled my hand away and asked why. Then he repositioned himself and put my hand back. It was almost like he was asking me to stop cause it reminded him of when we were together. Then put it back as if he didn't care that it brought the memories back. Now I know that sex can just be sex, but sex is not just sex when we 2 people look into eachothers eyes as they fuck. If I felt his gaze hit my heart like a lightning bolt, chances are it did the same for him too...right? Or when he undressed me, it was like he was looking at me for the first time, like he was drinking in the sight of me. He stopped to stare, then when I said what? It was like it broke his thought process and he just layed me down and kissed me. Oooh the heat of it.....after we had sex we would lay there and he'd just run his hands down my sides and arms and across my ribs and stomach. And place little kisses on my neck and shoulders. He ever gave me a hicky! Ugh, so trashy...right on my boob lol When I realized what he was trying to do I stopped him and he said, "whaaat? I'm just marking my territory." I gave him ~*the look*~ and he smiled and said something about me being his.

We layed in bed for a long time, just talking, bullshitting, catching up, bringing up old memories...then he walked me to the door and said goodnight, I'll call you in a couple days. I laughed and said when you need another booty call? He just smiled and kissed me goodbye.

When I got home I sent him a text that said if you tell anyone about our little romp and arrangement (basically we agreed to have sex until one of us starts a "relationship") I'm going to use a butt plug on him the next time we fuck. He said "I won't tell, if you don't. But Amy and Mike (his long time friends and now roommates) will figure it out. Oh well, I don't care." We said goodnight again.

So............now here I am. Wondering whats going to happen next...and when...

oh me oh my

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 21:31:03 GMT

Will my life ever settle down and be normal?

A lot has changed since my last update, so I'll be quick and to the point.

Oct 16, Kevin and I broke up. For a lot of reasons that I understand now but at the same time I still see it as stupid. I've excepted our break up, took awhile since it seemed random and I was pregnant, but I ended up living at the house for about another month after we broke up. And the longer I stayed the more immature he got and the more I saw sides of him I didn't know exsisted.
Oct 29, I went in for my first prenatal and found out that the baby had no heart beat. I was devistated, and surprisingly, Kevin was too but we both considered it a fucked up blessing. The miscarriage was just meant to be.
Dec 1, I moved out of the house Kevin and I shared.
Dec 17, I was fired from the preschool. I called in sick (for the 2nd time) and an hour just before my shift. My boss said she needed someone reliable and that I was supposed to call in at least 2 hours before my scheduled start time. Well, I was up all night that night sick and had just woken up. So, oh well. I was ready to quit anyway since they had reduced my hours in half AND I still had not seen my wage increase like I was promised.

Anyway, I am happy and healthy and Lane is doing well. We're staying at my mom's for a little while until I can get things squared away and my feet under me again. I feel like a lame ass living here again, for the upteenth time, but it works for now. I'm not even unpacking our things so we don't stay too long lol

Kevin and I had a good talk last night. He invited me over to the old house, which I went, and he gave me a bear hug the second he saw me. Not the reaction I expected since 24 hours prior we were fighting...over text message. lol How high school. I told him I was dating someone (which I sorta am, his name is Shane, more on him if things get serious, which neither of us are ready for) and he said he's not. He said something about not having sex in awhile and I asked, how long is awhile, a few days? And he said, well, when's the last time we had sex? haha It's nice to know I'm doing better then him (in more ways then one) after he broke up with me. We agreed to try and be friends but I told him that will be hard to do right off the bat since he left my furniture I left at the house in the RAIN and since he refuses to give me back my ping pong table but apparently I owe him some money from some bills so I told him he can keep it til I pay of my debt. All in all, a good talk just hanging out and bullshitting with eachother. There were a few times we'd look at eachother and just know...we'd both hurt eachother a lot in the last couple months and it felt like our eyes were telling eachother sorry. Its sweet to know we still have our unspoken connection. We'd just be sitting there looking at each other in silence and one of us would nod. Like we knew. Knew what? I'm not really sure but we know it whatever it is lol That happened a couple times. I've always thought of Kevin as my soulmate. And after last night it still feels true and I'm pretty sure he realized that too...

I ended up having a dream last night that Kevin and I got married. It's weird, I can consider things but until I dream about them or have a vivid detail oriented mental picture I don't believe it to be true. For example, when Kev and I were together I considered, a lot in fact, is this the man I could grow old with...months later I had a day dream of us sitting on a porch together, with our grandkids. Or like the dream, up until last night I had considered marrying Kevin but never pictured it. Now the dream won't stop running through my head. It was a beautiful fall wedding (probably cause our first kiss is Nov 10 and our anniversary is Nov 25). Our colors were shades of browns and pink with splashes of oranges and yellow. Kev wore a carmel colored tux with a chocolate brown shirt and silk chocolate brown tie. I had on a light cream colored vintage wedding dress. The 3 bridesmaids wore chocolate brown dresses with pink sashes and the 3 groomsmen wore chocolate brown tuxes, complete with dark brown converse and pink hankies in their breast pockets......seriously the detail of this dream is bugging me. Here I thought I was completely moved on and over Kevin and now I'm having dreams about our wedding?! Ugh. Hopefully by writting all that out it will get it off my mind. I need to push whatever feelings might be resurfacing away and focus on getting my life back in order.

Well, I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving, Christmas and happy New Year lol

SURPRISE!!

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 19:01:27 GMT

Quick update...

I got fired Aug 13 so thats why I haven't been on in aaaages. Also, we still don't have the net at the new place. But hopefully soon...I just need to get my computer fixed before I start paying for the internet.
I started a new job Aug 23ish at a preschool. I'm an assistant teacher, well on my way to BEING a teacher. Lane gets to go there for free so I can keep updated on him and see him more. And the free-ness helps out big time since I am making 1/2 of what I was before...

OH YEAH....SURPRISE!

hehe

Appx, my due date is May 16 but I am sure that will get pushed back to end of May, early June. Kevin was not excited at all but as the days pass, the more it settles in and the more he accepts it. In fact he told all his friends last night during a toast. "This one (shot) is for the little bird in May." Kevin's nickname is Bird. It took everyone a second to realize what he was talking about and for the most part everyone is excepted. Oddly, my sister seems the least excited. I think she might be jealous since just the other day she made a comment how she's gone 4 years without getting pregnant, the longest for her in 15 years lol.

Anyway, I got to be goin...talk to you all soon!!

TEH HOUSE - LOTS-O-PICS

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 23:59:43 GMT

I got the go ahead and "I trust you" from Kevin today to get started on some ideas I have for the house... woo hoo... so here's some before pictures. I'll post the during and after shots as the process goes. :) Good news is, almost everything we buy (materials, paint, blinds etc) we can take off our rent. As you can see, we've just been sticking things in places as we unpack. : )

YAY!!

Living Room: which needs: paint, curtains/blinds, new slip cover on couch depending on paint color, rehepolster the blue chairs. Maybes include: paint the bricks on the mantel (they already are the picture just doesn't show how red it is (who paints red bricks, brick red??) and either paint wood panels or landlord said she could rip it out and put up sheet rock, whichever we wanted.

A few details to take into account when revamping: lots of gold decorations.

Kitchen: I want to repaint the green trim and maybe the walls. The green was done reeeally bad its intense green. Like crayon green. I want more color in here since the living room its probably going to be more toned down.

Garage: will prob stay the same for the most part. Kevin has finally admitted to wanting this as his man zone lol

Mine and Lane's Rooms: mine: need to settle on theme/color scheme. I think I'll probably do a mural on the south wall (across from window). Lane's: need to redo toybox and his dresser. His nursery was a farm theme : ) His previous room was a jungle. Now of course its cars and sports. lol Thinking about doing a small mural in his room too.

Backyard: nothing will change really except for greener grass, maybe some outdoor decor, a firepit and a garden next spring/summer. Thats Lane against the fence and in the yard for scale lol
(I'm facing east)
(now I'm facing west)

Art Studio off back of garage: I'm gonna put up some shelves and install a desk/table. Its nice cause it has 2 doors and one is a double door. So lots of natural light and ventilation :)

None of the bathroom cause its odd shaped/narrow to get a good pic. Plus its pretty much decorated. And none of Kev's room cause I don't know if its gonna change much plus its...well, his room :) Gotta give the guy some privacy.

Have a great weekend folks!!

tagged by corizilla

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 23:11:43 GMT

1. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
2. Tag seven people to do the same.
3. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag whoever wants to do it.

1) When I sleep with someone else in the bed, I have to face the outside. Otherwise, I feel like that other person is going to "steal my breath" meaning that when I go to breathe in they will too and therefore steal my breath/sufficate me.

2) I can wiggle my ears. Not like flap them, but I can wiggle them...in a back and forth motion? Oh and my eyes used to change color up until about 5 years ago. Occasionally I'll hear they look greener today then yesterday but I think thats just cause of what I wear or something...

3) I usually run around barefoot. I don't care what I stop on/in (unless its like dog crap or something) because its not like I am going to be eating with my toes. Plus, I always wash my feet before bed. In fact, one summer, I stepped on a total of 5 bees (and sat on one) in a 2 1/2 month time span. Everyone says its cause I'm actually a modern day hippie-free spirit-love child. lol - which I tend to agree with :D

4) When I cook, I never use spices unless they are called for in a recipe. I think its because thats how my mom cooked since at one point there were 5 of us she was cooking for and we all had different tastes.

5) I write lyrics, but I don't sing them for anyone. And even though everyone knows I write them, only one person has ever had the chance to actually open one of my lyric books...my dear bestfriend, Adi. I blame the fact I can't sing in front of anyone on my sister since she repeatedly told me to "shut up" while we were growing up, thus giving me a complex.

6) I get really into decorating and ideas when it comes to the holidays or dressing up...heck anything regarding a theme. My creative wheels get turning and I voice a lot of my thoughts so usually people *coughKEVINcough ;)* think I am going overboard. But when the see the final product, its usually a hit.

7) I'm a total horn dog. I'm the typical lady in the streets, freak in the sheets. And usually this is surprising to many...I guess I can hide it that well. heh heh

I TAG: atlasimpure, brigitte_neal, davinnie, madamewindmill (a good excuse for an entry, heh heh) wonderssmile, x_sky_boy_x, zenin4711

ready, set, go :)

a whole lotta hoes

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 20:19:50 GMT

btw here's a couple pics of me and some friends from the Pimps and Hoes house warming party...

CLARIFICATION

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 16:19:23 GMT

Ok, I would like to clarify since I have gotten lots of feedback and questions regarding yesterday's post.

I am seeking out a counselor not so I can determine whither or not Lane has ADHD but to help me understand why his behavior is what it is. I would rather do this now instead of in like 4 years.

His may behavior may be normal for a 3 year old, if so, great, then I want some guidance on how to handle certain situations better. I want to know if I am disciplining him appropriately. Who knows, maybe I don't and therefore confuse him more when it comes to right vs. wrong or what the consequences may be.

Maybe he is just dealing with all the life changes he's gone through or stresses that are beyond what he can comprehend so he deals with them by acting out (out of rage/angry/frustration/trying for attention/etc).....his grandpa died, we moved out of the house we shared with his dad, his dad was on drugs (and therefore who knows what he was subjected to), his dad has anger issues (again, who knows what he was subjected to), his dad stopped seeing him, his dad moved, he has a new male role model and that role model now lives with us - who Lane is still learning about and getting to know. So yeah, he has gone through more then most 3 year olds. And if those are the reasons he is the way he is, then yes, I would like to know that rather then letting these issues manifest and end up raising a the type of kid you see on a talk show like "My kid is out of control, help me send him to bootcamp" or some crap like that.

Or he may have a hearing loss for all I know and its not so much as he's ignoring me, but he can't hear me. I was born with a 25% hearing loss in both ears and for the longest time my parents thought I was ignoring them or that I had a speech impediment because I would pronounce certain words/sounds wrong. But it was just cause that I was miss hearing them...they didn't know I had a hearing loss until I was in 2nd grade! And its not cause they clued in, its because we had a hearing test at school (you know, the mini bus converted to a sound booth and say words into headphones and you say them back or press the button when you hear the tones). I've seen lots of kids go through this and its almost like its takes so long because the parents are in denial or think its just a phase.

I am not sitting here saying he has an issue so I can sedate him or anything of the sort. I want to know whats up. If its nothing to worry about, FANTASTIC, if there is some underlining reason then I want to know so it can be dealt with accordingly and appropriately. If it turns out he does need medication, like I said yesterday, I have no intention of starting them until he is well into school and if there is an issue with focusing in school or learning. And if at all possible I will try alternative methods, like learning to deal with certain situations differently in a way that Lane understands.

As for Lane needing to burn off his energy....this is why I am concerned: He does daily activities, he goes to the park with the daycare kids at least twice a week and jumps on the daycare lady's giant trampoline on a daily basis, not to mention typical running around with the other kids. Then when he is home, I take him to the park (he walks there and back) at least 2 or 3 times a week for an hour as well. It's like he's on a constant sugar high, which is doubtful since I am ANAL about how much sugar he gets - I even delute his juice to: 50/50 water/juice. It almost seems like if he gets wound up he can't unwind. If thats the case, I want to know that....

ADD/ADHD is a very controversial topic and thats why I am not rushing to say thats whats up with Lane. I don't know if I even believe that there is such a thing. I've been researching thats all. Did you know they even have classified kids who don't listen to their parents with ODD - Oppisional Defiance Disorder. Yeah. My niece was diagnosed with that (in addition to bipolar)...go google that. But I really do worry that it is more of a ME issue then a Lane issue, mostly because he hits me but no one else or talks back to just me. Anyone who watches Lane for me says they would love to have him over, any day, any time because he is "sooo good." And don't get me wrong he is a GREAT, wonderful, fantastic kid but I just want to make sure everything is...well..."normal."

*sigh*

Debateable Disorder or Subjected to Crappy Parenting?

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 16:52:57 GMT

Yesterday I did a little research on child(ren) mental health. And I am now seeking out a child physicologist.

Some times I worry Lane has ADD or ADHD so I tried to read up a little while online at work. I learned that most professionals do not like to diagnose a child younger then 5 with either disorder since usually the behaviors the child younger then 5 is expressing are typical of that age. And if the child were to be medicated that don't prefer it because the studies on the effects the meds have on younger children are very minimal.

I worry about Lane because it seems that he CANNOT sit still or relax, unless he's asleep. He is on the go from the time he wakes up, which is typically 6am, to the time he falls asleep, which used to be 8pm on the dot now its getting closer to 10pm because he does. not. want. to calm down. He takes naps most days but I've noticed its because he just flat out wears him self out.

His mind, his mouth and his hands are constantly on the go. Which is ok but its almost like he has an inner war with himself about which gets control. There are some days when I can watch him when he thinks I'm not and he will look around before doing something he knows he's not supposed to. Or its like he gets so frustrated that his hands just go haywire and (for example) break every crayon in his crayon box, some times even eat them. Hello, he's 3! I figured he'd be way past the eating crayon stage.

I can ask him not to do something ("Lane, don't play with the curtains, they might fall.") and he'll still do it. Or even a simple task that involves something he likes ("Lane, go get your shoes so we can go to the park.") and I am still ignored. It's like I never spoke a word.

Now, I realize my thoughts of a disorder like ADHD might be premature since he's behavior is typical of a preschooler but I am losing too much patience and stressing too bad for me to just sit and hope things mellow out. Also, I'm seeking out a counselor who can maybe help me figure out if A) this is a disorder that needs treatment (if it comes down to Lane needing medication Kevin and I have already agreed that we won't start them until he's in kindergarten or higher *if* it effects him learning/school and in the mean time use alternative methods). B) To see if there are issues from Lane's past that are causing him to act this way/"act out" (ie the way he saw his dad treat me, he thinks its ok) and therefore how to reverse any negative damage C) See if its my parenting skills that need an evaluation and learn how to discipline, renew my patience or D) see if he's just being a 3 year old and how to better stimulate him so he's not so wired/filled with extra energy, etc.

We'll see how it all goes but I am very anxious to learn the final results of all this. I mean, the way his behavior is it gets me so stressed 70% of the week I can't imagine its making ANY situation/relationship better. Better to start now rather than later. By then, Kevin will be ready to bail because he can't handle my kid and I've "changed" (which will be because of stress/depression). Lane will be one of the kids who hits their parents and gets in trouble with the law by the time he is 10 and I'll be a basket case because I never got my walk in closet and white picket fence attached to my single wide where I make fried chicken for dinner everynight. lol yeah that was overblown but I can totally see my life turning into someone else's I know... Stressed out, over weight and no sex because your child is taking up ALL your time. And I do not want that. So, I'm acting now...to avoid the single wide and chicken grease ;)

MASSIVE UPDATE

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 17:47:11 GMT

First I warn that I will check for spelling errors and typos but if I miss any blame these damned acrylic nails.

So I tried to update last week with a recap of everything that had gone down during our first week in the new place.

Here I go again...

Monday - there was the scare of being moved out of my office/department or that they would get rid of us all together. A week later we all got an email that it is in the works to move my department upstairs. But nothing official yet.

Tuesday - I received my last tardy which could have lead to being fired. My boss put me on probation, I cannot get any more tardies in 60 days. After 60 days of no tardies he will see if he can get some of my older (like from December) off my record to get me out of the "red zone." On top of this I was dealing with my bank trying to screw me over and some BS over draft fees. I got 1/2 of that taken care of - they credited me back $105 of the $210 they tried to get out of me.

Wednesday - Kevin left me a voice message saying he was on his way to the ER. ??? He called me back again later to clarify. He was at work using a jack hammer when I piece of tile flew up and cut the white of his eye. Even though it wasn't *bleeding* anymore he still had to go in to the ER. He went in got a cat scan, they saw a fragment in the white of his eye so they did surgery to get it out. They didn't find anything so they did another cat scan and saw that the fragment was gone (they assumed it flushed itself out). They gave him 3 stitches and sent him home.

Thursday - Naturally, Kevin took the day off. And was thankfully uneventful.

Friday - The icing on the cake to the move in jinx... I was getting ready for work, Kev was in bed (another day off), Lane was watching TV and no one was in the kitchen. But of course the glass light fixture on the ceiling came crashing down, hit the kitchen table (which was directly under it) and shattered. I mean shattered into tiny little pieces. Which I am still finding.

Saturday morning we left for Blaine, WA for Kevin's family reunion, which was super fun. Good food, good people and a beatiful place. Too bad its 5 hours away otherwise we would have stayed longer then the weekend and we'd totally go more often.

All last week was pretty stress free, except for the fact we both got paid and are very broke. I had a garnishment go through from a medical bill over a year old and Kevin was shorted because of the time he missed because of his eye.

This weekend we had our house warming party, which went over nicely. It was complete with a Pimps and Hoes theme. We got a Beer Pong set as a house warming gift which was put to good use and all us ladies looked hot. It was a great time until Kevin's friend got pissed he lost at arm wrestling and slammed his fist in to our kitchen table , completely breaking one of the leafs. Bent the bar the held it up and completely broke the wood off around the hinge. mother effer.

Anyway, lots going on and trying to get this update done since typing with these nails is driving me crazy :)

PICTURES COMING SOON! :D

PS. I dyed my hair, I am no longer a blonde. More like a coppery light brown blonde? Here, Christina Aguilera explains it better then I do....

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 21:50:38 GMT

DOES THIS THING NOT HAVE AUTO SAVE ANYMORE?!?!?! jeebus cripes you've got to be kidding me!

Seriously, WHAT have I done to deserve all this BULLSHIT

Tue, 24 Jul 2007 20:16:05 GMT

Today is effed.

Where to start?

How about the fact that I asked to come in early so I don't have to wait in the parking lot. And since I was 2 minutes late its called a tardy. And I was already in the red zone - I wasn't supposed to get anymore. So I could be fired today.
Basically what happened was I asked yesterday if I could come in at 7:45 (instead of 8:15) and leave at 4:30pm (instead of 5). My boss said no but I could come in at 8 and take an hour lunch...when I logged in this AM I noticed I was a few minutes late, so I sent my boss an instant message asking if it counted as tardy even though I wasn't making up time. He said yes, because my scheduled log in time was for 8am. Then he said we will have to have a meeting to discuss how important my job is to me. I told him he knows how much I need this job. He knows I just moved, that I am not getting any child support so I have to pay for all of my son's expenses. He hears the collectors calling me at work, hounding me. He KNOWS how important my job is. I wasn't aware that I was "scheduled" to come in at 8, I thought it was more of a, hey you're here early, you might as well work - sort of arrangement. It was just for this week anyway, its not permanent, he knew that, so why the effing schedule change?!

Next up, we have the giant FUCK YOU from US BANK...

I checked my acct balance today and notice 6 overdraft charges. WTF. I deposited $600 cash on Friday into the ATM. It's supposed to be available the next business day, one would assume that means SATURDAY since that is their next business day. Nope. Didn't hit my account untl THIS MORNING. So during the time of my deposit and this morning I was racking up 6 overdraft charges ($35 each) for a total of $210. So not only did all of my transactions bounce, I got slapped with an extra $210.
I called them just now on my lunch break and they said I would have to contact the branch I set up my account at to discuss with them the possibility of reversing any of the charges. POSSIBILITY?! Are you kidding me? They all should be...but there is nothing I can do about that right now since I have to work at the job I might be fired from in 4 hours.

Seriously, is this all a sign or what? If so, karma should jab at me a little more because I do not get what the effing point is.

I dug a hole - so someone bury me in it

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 18:43:13 GMT

I am in ~~serious~~ ~~SERIOUS~~ EXTREME financial troubles.

Kevin, Lane and I moved in this weekend and things along those lines are going smoothly. Lane and Kev had a great time hanging out last night and Kev kept an eye on Lane while I unpacked some things. BUT I should have done the math way better prior to agreeing to this new living arrangement. I bring home $2244/mo. Add up rent, daycare, car payment & insurance thats, $1308. Leaving me with $936 for bills, gas, groceries. That doesn't leave much money left over for saving or having an emergency fund, cleaning up my credit or paying off these damned payday loans. Pay day loans you ask?...yeah, read on...

I took out a pay day loan many, many months ago. Every pay day I would pay it back then retake it out. One pay day I didn't get paid in time so I had to take out another loan to pay the first loan. Oh then low and behold my car needs work, another pay day loan to pay the other 2 pack since I need to fix my vehicle. Etc And its been such a bad snow ball effect that I currently have 5 pay day loans out. Soon to be 6. WTF - how did I let this happen?!

$4000. That's it. It would clear my credit AND take care of the PD loans. I can't get a personal loan because my credit is in the shitter. And so far the 2 credit cards I've applied for denied me. Probably for the same reason. This sucks. How can I clean up my credit if I can't get a loan to clean my credit which is too fucktastic to get a loan in the first place?! Ugh.

I blame this all on Echo. Seriously. I do, and I am pretty sure I am entitled to. 95% of the bills on my credit are because of him. Whither it be because I had to use my credit to get us something cause his was already crapped on or because he didn't work so I had to use my money to pay all the bills thus being some would get neglected, therefore now on my credit. Oh, lets not forget the $2000 debt on my credit thanks to him not paying rent. Douche bag didn't pay rent, so i couldn't get my name off the lease. Still didn't pay rent so he got evicted. Him and his mooch of a "friend." Back rent, plus first months rent which WAS free since the rental agreement was terminated early, in addition to painting, cleaning and other BS fees. Dipshit can't even get his shit together to pay child support. Update on that...they finally got his new address in AZ but they still haven't served him. Even once they do it will be about 60 days untill I see any of it. There is good news (but I need it now, not in 60 days) he will have to pay 1/2 of child care services in addition to his $225/mo. So that equals out to appx appx 475.00 (depending on how many days in the month there are for child care and if he starts payment on his back due child support...$1575...)

I am seriously considering filing for bankruptcy. If that happens, I can't trade out my van in October and I am pretty sure they would take my car away anyway.

Anybody want to buy my soul? 4Gs and its yours.

Handwritten Entry

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 16:37:53 GMT

Yesterday I joined not one but two of the spotlight livejournals...

One is

amazing_ink the other is handwritten_lj. Both are pretty rad. But in order to kill two spiders with one foot step here is the handwritten entry I shared with handwritten_lj. Oh by the way, it may be a somewhat of a recap but the gist of the entry was the fact Kevin said he's ready to settle down...the rest was for the people who had no idea why this was a "big deal."

I'll prob do another one later today just cause they're are that. much. fun.

OH YEAH... Transformers....holy fuck!! That was without a doubt a rad movie...I wanna see it again!! :D

I am so much more a fan now then I was way back when... I have a feeling I am totally going to get nerdy with this. :)

killing time with more pics :)

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 23:12:21 GMT

I'm hella bored.
And tired.
Annnd anxious to get off work.
My mom is going out with her manfriend tonight so there goes my sitter which I am secretly ok with. I am actually looking forward to going home, relaxing on the couch, maybe teach Lane to ride his bike some more then put put him to bed, crack open a beer, put on some good music and do some cleaning/packing.

Cleaning the garage out tomorrow and Sunday and maybe a pub crawl mixed in there somewhere. Its supposed to be about 85 degrees around here this weekend, which is usually very muggy when it gets that warm around here so cleaning and doing lots of moving around does not sound all that fun but again, I am acutally looking forward to be productive. Next weekend is the big garage sale and moving into the new garage and painting the next weekend is thee official move in. I know all this sounds redundant but I am also typing it out as sort of a to do list and timeline. :)

I am thinking about surprising Kevin with a game system during the move ("Oh honey can you unpack that box for me.....surprise there is a ____ in there too! yay!") but I don't know what to get him. A PS2 or a Wii. PS2 has guitar hero and Madden but Wii is hella fun with their interactive games/controllers and Mario games.

Here is an ariel shot of our new house thanks to Google Maps (click it for bigger image):

And now that I look at it again (out of pure excitement) it does look like there might be a small back porch over hang :)

AND NOW SOME PICS OF THE KITTIES :)

PIC-SHAWS

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 15:53:15 GMT

A few pics to start your morning off...more as soon as I find some batteries or let my current dead ones sit and rejuice for an hour or two. :)

Me driving for 4 hours to go see Kevin. He was working out of town for a whole week so I took a day and half off to drive 4.5 hours there, get laid, sleep, then drive 4.5 hours home. As well as deal with Seattle traffic to and from...but it was well worth it. :)

Kev and I down at Fort Vancouver for the 4th of July firework show. As you can see 4 hours in the sun down at the river that day did a number on my skin. At least it will turn to a tan right? Right?! :)

Lane and his cousin/my niece Bailey down at the Portland Rose Festival/Fleet Week. Aren't they cute in their matching "his and her" light up glasses? awww :)

As I said, more later or if you are anxious go look at my myspace page if your my friend on there cause there are 3 new albums viewable by friends only.

later gaters

I got WASTED this weekend

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 17:30:25 GMT

Saturday was Lane's bday party...pictures coming soon...

But Saturday night was my friend Riquel's birthday so I met up with Kevin and my friends over there about 10pm. Holy hell. Apparently starting the night pounding 4 beers in like 10 minutes really gets the party started much quicker. Remember that twat Amber I talked about...well we ended up getting into it. I went outside for a smoke and she strikes up some chit chat. "So I hear you and Kevin are getting a place." I talked to her a little bit about that. Then she says "So is Kevin going to be Lane's new daddy now?" Oh bitch you did not just go there. Thats when the fighting started. I got sassy with her and she goes why haven't you ever liked me? Thats when I had to point out to her how I have not heard one good thing about her from anyone I know who knows her. She told me to grow up and get my own opinion. I pointed out to her how am I supposed to do that when she makes no effort to change that opinion. So she tells me we should go on a little walk and have this conversation elsewhere since we were starting to draw a crowd...we walk down the hill and across the street and I throw my purse down. What Amber, what could you possibly have to say that is going to change my mind. She told me to sit. I was like I'd rather not. She asked me again why I don't like her. So I asked her a question, "why did you go to my birthday weekend?" I repeated that question about a dozen times because every time I asked her she wouldn't answer, she'd start talking about something else. So finally I said, "Amber, you went because I am with the man you want but can't have. Get over it." Then she starts telling me, I've never wanted him, I never wanted to fuck him, I've never liked him like that. So you're calling everyone at this party, including Kevin, a liar? She repeated herself again. I asked her how could she possibly think its a good idea to ask Kevin to be her roommate? How could ANY girl ask a GUY who has a GIRLFRIEND who he's in LOVE with ask him to be her roommate and think its a good idea....then YELL at Kevin when he tells you no, he doesn't want to move in with you. Then shove him because you are so mad. If you don't have feelings for him why would you shove him, why would you take it so personal? I didn't shove him! So you're calling him a liar again? I didn't shove him. Then lets go ask him then Amber. Then she told me to sit down so we could talk. I told her the conversation was done the first time she lied to me and I walked off, smiling, shaking my hips and headed straight for the man she wants and kissed him. In hopes she was watching to let it sink into her thick head a little more that he is with me. And also to let Kevin know (cause he was watching and listening) that I DO believe him, trust him, love him.

Saturday night didn't end there...
After the pointless verbal battle with Amber I went back up to the party and told a few of the people who were watching at the top of the hill what she said. Even though Amber has been friend with all of them longer then me, and made me feel pretty damn good that they all think she's a bitch and they all agreed they were ready to beat Amber's ass if she hit me (since she likes to get physical in a fight). After that was all rehashed I proceeded to give Riquel a birthday lap dance and lick 5 pairs of my girl friends nipples. By the end of the night it was partically a tradition. If I hadn't licked them yet, it was automatically her your turn lol It was good times and lots of good pictures.

Also found out Saturday that moving day has been pushed back a weekend since the current tenant won't be out until the 15th. Our landlord said we can move stuff into the garge that weekend but we can't move into the house until the following weekend. Oh well, more time to ready everything.

Btw I understand Kev wanting his own room, it does make sense but I was just really surprised thats what he was asking for. :)

---

Yesterday was Lane's 3rd birthday, so I called in sick and took him out to breakfast, then to a movie, Ratatouille. Then Kev came over, same with my sis and her oldest daughter and we ate PB & J pizza from a local pizza company. And after Lane went to bed Kev and I went to see Knocked Up...and tonight a group of us are going to see Transformers. Holy movie weekend, Batman!

Kevin held my hand tighter during a couple scenes from Knocked Up. I think he was letting me know he understood a little bit about what I've gone through with having Lane and then what we went through a couple months ago......

Just call me Hectic Hilda

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 20:32:31 GMT

Saturday Kevin found out we go the house...3 weeks and we can move in... woo hoo! I should be packing but I can't seem to get motivated. Or it could be that I am busy, busy, busy.

Saturday night we went to my work hosted dinner and casino night, which was a lot of fun. We got to get all dressed up and head out for small talk, drinks and a yummy dinner. The played some free casino games with the hopes of winning 1 of 5 $50 Visa cards. Kev wooped ass, turned $500 fake money into $2500 playing poker (taking 5th place). Everyone else won their money off craps. So you could say my lover was thee best one at poker that night ; )

This Saturday is Lane's 3rd birthday party...I've got so much to do and like 9 hours total divided over the next few days to do it.

Then next Saturday & Sunday, we're having a garage sale (we being my mom and I). I'm planning on selling every thing that Echo and I owned together to get new stuff. Dishes, silverware, the stupid cheap nicknacks he bought me over the last 3 years. So I have pretty much the next 6 days after Lane's bday to ready myself for that. I have so much ish to go through. Sort...keep, sell, donate.

And the following Saturday we move. And I'll have the next 6 days after the garage sale to pack, pack, pack and paint, paint, paint. Move over the weekend of the 14th and then take a few days off work to unpack, unpack, unpack.

Woot.

Oh yeah...on a side note...Kevin wants his own room. As in "his own bed with his posters and his records room." I'm ok with this but I think its weird. We both agreed we'd be sleeping in the same bed every night but for the first couple of weeks, maybe even a month or so he wants his "own room." Which could mainly be because he said he hasn't had his own room since he was 19 and that he wants to do what he pleases with it. Totally understandable, but still weird to me. Thoughts?

Oh yeah and we got a ping pong table. Yay for beer pong!

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 18:07:03 GMT

Just a quick post...

My cat had her kittens this morning!! ~~I think if you scroll through the older posts you should be able to find my post of when I first got Cali.~~

Who's full name is Miss California. Yes, she's a calico and I wanted to name her Cali but I couldn't because everyone names their calicos Cali. So I named her Miss California so I could call her Cali for short ;) ooooh I'm just too clever.

Anyway, 2 calicos and 2 blackish ones were all born between 5:30am and 7am this morning, the FIRST DAY OF SUMMER!! :) For 8 weeks I will be a grandma then these little kiddos will be off to new homes. *tear* but I may keep one, which will be hard to do since if I keep one, I should keep all so the other 3 don't think they're not good enough...

PICTURES HERE OR ON MY MYSPACE SOON.

smoochies! :)

oh! btw, did you know Calicos are mostly born females. Males are possibly but its a 1 in 3000 chance. Interesting and that tid bit was brought to you by Wikipedia.com.

thought vomit.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 23:19:28 GMT

We find out on Monday if we got a house. Yeee!

He talked to a friend of his who has some rentals in our area and it turns out one of her tenants is like 1200 behind. She's going to talk to him and ask him to pay or vacate by the 1st. I can't imagine he'll bust out twelve hundred dollars - if he had the money he would have paid his rent. Sooo we should know more by Friday.

We were able to get the address and I looked it up on Google maps. It has a huge backyard but no trees :( and from what I could tell no covered deck either - oh boy. So we'll either build a patio roof or buy some of those pop up shades.

I've decided to have a garage sale there as soon as we move in...since the garage will already be empty :) I've also decided to sell all of mine and Echo's household goods I saved. I want brand new stuff with my brand new man. heh heh I'm so pumped! I can't stop mentally planning and buying things. I've got a notebook page full of ideas and notes and websites I've written down...we've already decided to do a Bohemian/Buddah style theme in the living room since we've already got a few pieces taht will work. And I've got some GREAT craft ideas to play on that as well (hand made batik curtains and shadow puppet artwork, woo hoo!) But I am having a hard time figuring out what color to paint the walls and what color of slip covers to by. I wanted to paint some accent walls a golden, mustard-dark mustard color but I worry the decorations we have will get lost (they're already gold tones). Hurumph....listen to me ramble. lol

Here's some links if anyone is interested :)
www.UrbanOutfitters.com had a few pieces, all 4 are piggy banks though lol They have 3 "whimsical" buddah banks that I think I just might have to buy all 3 cause they are so darn cute and colorful!
www.WorldMarket.com has some neat birdcages and other art deco I might buy
www.AsianNouveau.com VERY COOL STUFF, some of its spendy but some of it is justified by its uniqueness but most of it just inspired me to make my own
www.Na-Ame.net an artist from the Asian site...his whole site is filled with beautiful pieces
www.BombayCompany.com we used to have one of these in our local mall and their instore prices were much cheaper, plus no shipping
www.NotMartha.org had a really rad tutorial on making Sun Jars (mason type jars that have solar light attachments thus lighting up at night) that I was planning on making and hanging in our "tree" but since we dont have one, I may have to hang them from the deck. oh wait, we don't have one of those either ;)

Ok, I'm gonna finish this up. Have a good one folks!
PS. Pics coming soon of Lane's birthday party and the new place - so long as its ours :)